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Let me paint a little picture for you. You are in the Sub in between classes. The luxury of even having a “in between classes” is rare for you on Tuesdays, but luckily one of your teachers cancelled class. You are trying to just relax and read the paper while trying to let your overtaxed brain recharge when suddenly you hear it. The sound of Cellphone girl! You want to scream but hold yourself back hoping that she will sit somewhere else and have the courtesy to talk somewhere where many people are not trying to study, but of course she does not. She chooses the seat right next to you and blathers on and on in the most whiny tone imaginable. You try not to listen, but it slowly bores into your brain pushing out the words on the newspaper and bringing you to a simmering boil. This inhuman creature of darkness will just NOT stop her whining! And that isn’t even the worst of it, it’s her voice and the blather, OH THE BLATHER! Non-stop it goes on! She is using 10 words in places where she could easily have used one. Does she know how annoying this is? At first you try to give her the benifit of the doubt based on her blatantly obvious moron-hood, but as time goes on and on and on and still she shows no signs of stopping you start to wonder… You remember the Sucubus of ancient Greek mythology which would suck a mans soul and you wonder… “Is this it? Is she slowly sucking out my will to live?” When finally she stops. Blessed silence!!! Oh glorious wonderful silence! It lasts for all of two seconds when you hear a faint beeping. Glancing up in horror you find that she is dialing her phone. Please you pray, let her be brief, let it be important. And again your prayers go unanswered and you have nothing to do but recoil in horror as you realize that this beast of ancient legend is repeating the EXACT SAME WHINY CRAP that she just go through giving in her last conversation. Slowly you rise and with a deft flick of your wrist decapitate her with the pepper shaker (placed on the table for your convenience).

This has sadly happened to me several times… with the exact same girl. The names are unknown, but the problems are real… the only fabrication is the gloriously justified ending. I suspect that all of you have encountered these evil cellphone creatures who have decided that, as the world is such a hideously unfair place, they will dwell in their own private cell-phone-land oblivious to those around them. I still get chills when I consider that there may have been an actual human being on the other end of that phone call who had to endure that blathering self-pity directly. If you have had similar experiences please let me know. I would gain a little comfort from the knowledge that other real human beings have had to undergo this onslaught.

NOTE: I admit that the Succubus came to my knowledge through South Park, if such a creature does not exist in Greek mythology I apologize

NOTE 2: To those of you saying to yourself “Why didn’t he just move??” I have only two replies. A. I hoped that it might soon leave. B. Because I was there first!!