The Dynamic Duo

Today is the first day of April, April Fool’s Day, if you will. I always think I should come up with a really good prank on this day, but either my imagination or my nerve always fail me. Mother Nature, however, has no such compunctions. Though Spring was officially here a week ago, there is still fresh snow on the ground, and the weather lately consists of snow, rain, wind or a fun combo of all three. UltraDad has also been known to have his little jokes, though not neccesarily on April 1. Shortly after we were married, he calmly came to me with his thumb all wrapped up in guaze. “I smashed my thumb,” he told me.
“Do you think I should have a doctor look at it?” Gingerly I took off the guaze to behold a split, swollen, bloody mess. “Yes you should see a doctor, you idiot. It looks infected! Now where’s that doctor’s phone number…........” I stared in bewilderment at a laughing UltraDad as he pulled off the fake, rubber thumb.
Another time, when my dog, Jeff was a puppy, UltraDad informed me that there was dog throw-up on the living room floor. “You’d better go clean it up,” he advised. Grumpily I grabbed the 409 and a roll of paper towels. “Why do I have to clean it up?” I muttered. “He’s your dog too.” I liberally sprayed the disgusting mass of half-digested food and tore off half a dozen paper towels. But when I tried to pick it up, the whole mass of vomit skittered across the floor. “It’s fake throw-up,” chortled UltraDad. “You should have seen your face when it slid. I put water on it to make it look more real.” Yes, it certainly did look real.
UltraDad used to tell me fantastic stories of his life before me, and before I knew better, I believed them all. I heard tales of deep-sea diving and snorkeling, but later found out he was afraid of the water and could barely swim. Even now I find myself occasionally believing something he tells me.

Tonight Ultra Dad is on one of his night shifts; we are excited because, with Daylight Savings Time starting, he will work one hour less tonight. I think he is even happier about it than I am.
I am having a weekend, but not accomplishing much, so I decided to post. That way, there is a record of my, indeed, accomplishing something. After all, here it is in black and white. Had a kind of scary email from Heather, the recent birthday girl. Seems the house she and Heath have been living in is chock full of dangerous black mold. The good news is they have found a new place and are moving. Johnny is in the Eastern US touring law schools. He likes Cornell, and has yet to see William and Mary and Vanderbilt. Would be nice if Cornell would give him some good financial aid. Jim just got back from a camping/fishing trip with friends. He caught no fish, and said it was really cold, but fun. I think he and I may have different definitions of the work “fun.” And Bob? Apparently all wrapped up in the construction of that new house of his.

My new prison store inmate clerk is working out very well. Sean is eager and capable, and calls me “Miss Kathy”, which I like. I am starting to learn how to better handle my ordering and inventory to make my monthly sales look better. The inventory needs to be way down at the end of the month; we are out of many popular items, such as Monster Honey Buns and Bearclaws, as well as frozen chicken, pizzas and some sodas. But all will be well Monday; with a new month, I can input all the new product we have already ordered and received. There are some very skillful workers among our prison population, and last week my store was the recipient of some of that labor. I knew there were plans in the works to take down the outer door and paint it; then do some work on the front storeroom walls. But apparently, after the door was removed, it was decided to move the freezer in front of the inner door to clear the walls. When the freezer bumped that door, it came right off the hinges! When I came to work, I found the large freezer blocking unwarranted entry to my store, with everyone assuring me that my inventory had not been compromised. The work crew came in, fixed the door, rewired an electrical outlet that had been causing problems, sheetrocked and painted the entire little storeroom. It looks amazingly good. Jon , the electrician, has twice been on the verge of being released to parole, only to have it revoked. The joke is they don’t want to let him go until he finishes the work on the camp! When my clerks were cleaning out the storeroom they came upon a handful of black, plastic spiders. They have been having a lot of fun with them, as some of their bunkmates are arachnophobics. Thankfully, I am not.
It is interesting, lately, trying to get inside the gate when I first arrive at work. There is a new policy that when you arrive, you must unlock the box inside the gatehouse and log in. Same thing when you leave, only in reverse. The problem is my key won’t unlock all the locks. The lock on the gate and the lock on the box appear identical, but my key only works on one of them. I never know if it will be the gate or the box, as they sometimes get interchanged. Everyone else’s key unlocks both, but won’t unlock the store, as mine does. It’s half funny, half annoying. I am assured the problem will be resolved soon.
Sean is up for parole soon. He was in a panic the other day; the caseworker told him to have his plans ready in a couple of days; he thought he had more time. Without a plan and a place to go to, he will definitely not get it, but would probably not get it anyway. His sentence is a long one, and more time will probably have to be served. Joe is trying to get “Drug Court”, which is a program that would enable him to attend Drug School and work while being under close supervision. An article recently appeared in a local newspaper about how our state leads the nation in least paroles granted. The inmates are hopeful that publicity and pressure may change that statistic in their favor.
Poor Crash has been fired from the Work Crew he was on for reportedly mistreating equipment. He has been helping in camp wherever he can, including in the store. Crash is strong, a good worker, and really enjoys going out on the Crews. After several weeks cooling his heels, he is supposed to be reinstated next week, and he can’t wait.

Murphy, the wonder dog, continues to impress and amaze. He has added the trick “Sleep” ( I don’t like “Play Dead”) to his sit-stay-rollover-when-I-have-a-treat repertoire. Polly, the ubercat, was left outside all night a couple of nights ago. When UltraDad found her at the door next morning, he said she was puffed up to twice normal size, and angrily huffed past him to her food dish. I wonder why I didn’t miss her nightly ritual of stomping across the bed pretending she didn’t know she was tromping on Murphy and settling on my chest?

Well, I think its time to bring this rambling post to an end. By the way, your shoelaces are untied, and there’s a spider on your face.

April Fools! (about the shoelace anyway; there really is a spider on your nose.)
UltraMom